Your face.

dear christians,

you’ve had 2 millenia to refine your tradition.
some of you have developed a precise, elegant style which is seen in every aspect of your faith. some of you have built magnificent cathedrals, sanctuaries, churches, and monuments. some of your choirs are unrivaled in their beauty. some of your relics are the most highly coveted religious items in the history of the western world. some of your services are nothing less than mystical in their solemnity.

and some of you have churches in strip malls.

seriously, what the fuck?

isn’t it damaging enough for your credibility that you spend your time and your money exalting a magical jewish zombie who’s been dead for 2000 years? do you think it will help your cause to rent space between a tax attorney and a nail clinic? are you hoping to draw more parishioners from newbury comics or from rent-a-center?

YORK COUNTY ROSE

As I stumble from the leap
with a jug of coffee brandy
She hails with battered face
and banging ass
Despite my reservations
I still succumb to her seduction
This drink’s made tarnished treasure
from towny trash

100 Sided Die

(Sound of dice)

Dungeon Master: Your party enters another dimly lit room. Crude wooden furniture is scattered throughout most of the chamber. A group of roughly a dozen orks sits in the far corner, not noticing your entrance…

Player 1: Ah come on Joey, all we ever fight is stupid orks

Player 2: Yeah, I’m never going level up at this rate!

Dungeon Master: Guys, I told you that the Amulet of Oznog is guarded by a large orkish army in the…

Player 3: …hey guys, sorry I’m late. What did I miss?

Player 1: sarcastically Just another exciting adventure in ork slaying…

nate’s question:

My crazy friend told me that in one version of the Christian creation myth, there were some other humans created by God that were not descended from Adam and Eve, and were thus free from original sin. Is my friend crazy?

it seems that your friend isn’t crazy (at least not for this reason), but perhaps misinformed. it’s an important distinction to make that christian myth is not jewish myth and from what i’ve been able to find, the “alternate creation” myths involving adam, eve, and other first humans fall mostly into the realm of non-canonical jewish folklore. these ancient jewish legends are not a part of the torah, or the talmud, but belong,at least in part, to a special collection of rabbinical writings known as the aggadic midrashim. these are essentially jewish fairy tales.

Rolling down Main Street I have no choice but to question my intentions. Being a moderately intelligent individual I can’t dismiss the fact that before this night is through I will consume massively wasteful amounts of weed, probably pop some pills that should never be in my body, and of course wreak havoc on the delicate minds of my contemporaries. Yet, a part of me is happier than normal. Companionship does that to me. Loneliness is worse than any day-after pain or hangover. Just knowing that I will not be alone gives me abnormal strength.

At about this time the wonderful part of me that is depression sinks in deep. No amount of mental wrangling can shake the notion that I am laughed at by these people I call friends. Most of the time it gets pushed from my minds easier than you can imagine. So what if I have to buy my friends? At least I am not alone. Besides, these people are so far above me in the socioeconomic hierarchy that it only makes sense that I pay to know them.

jw’s question:

I’ve never understood exactly how God changed from vengeful and smiteful in the Old Testament, to being forgiving and merciful in the New Testament. I understand that Jesus died for our sins and all, but is that the basis for God not hating us all now?

the old testament is filled with horrific imagery involving the anger and vengeance of a particularly jealous sky-god named yahweh (or elohim, in some social circles). humanity is the recipient of this god’s wrath as he repeatedly punishes his creation for their inability to conform to his divine law. he hands out every kind of punishment from plagues, floods, and bad hair days, to leprosy, boils, and hang-nails. he doth punish and he doth make demands and yea verily, he doth smite with righteous justice. cities are laid waste, killing every man, woman, and child (but sparing the occasional prostitute). angels kill firstborn children, wrestle with god’s faithful, and rape the daughters of men. in short, it was a minefield of almighty wrath with very little to hope for (even heaven hadn’t been fully invented yet).

follow me here… or don’t-

i came home late last night (early this morning) to find a book in my doorway titled bible questions answered. i assume that one of my roommates found it somewhere (or mayhap beth dazet found it at work) and thought of me. so this morning (or afternoon) i brought it to work with me today to flip through during the horrendously boring evening hours. i read most of it and found it a little lacking. believe it or not, it wasn’t the thriller of a read that you might expect with a title like that. so, it seemed to me that the same idea could be used in a slightly more interesting format.

Mother starve your child
Designer hats and gloves breed
False self importance

Hey, hey, hey,
It’s been a while but now it’s time to set the record straight. “It’s been a long time coming / but I finally broke…” In an effort to dispel some of the ridiculous rumors I have heard people back home tell me about this shithole that is prison, I am going to write a little something and let you know what is really happening in your higher institutions of criminal detention. Please bear with me as I try to describe the details surrounding my life and keep it interesting, all the while trying to sound intelligent. That’s a little hard for me, (not the sharpest knife in the drawer you know) but here goes nothing…